I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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