dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
