i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
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