I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
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She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
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We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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