Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.