kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
