Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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