I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
