I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
The best revenge is premature balding
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
