I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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