Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
