Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
