No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
People in love make me want to vomit
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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