I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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