there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
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