No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
