Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
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