My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
