but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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