Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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