A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
