She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
