You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Dicks are not precious.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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