I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
