The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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