Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
i've created a new STD.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
