I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
