I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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