Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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