I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
