I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
