I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
