He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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