So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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