: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Woke up backwards on a recliner
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Randomize
