is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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