Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize