Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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