I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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