it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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