I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
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I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
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I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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