If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
