he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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