You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
