Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
