Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
