I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
