I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I want a musical about memes.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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