Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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