just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
