Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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