it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
