You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
