I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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