two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
