she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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