You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
