No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
